Reclaiming my Roots
What I've learnt so far...
This easter weekend I decided to watch the Disney movie Encanto. As I watched it a second time, this time whilst, in Colombia, my motherland, a few scenes had me sobbing from the pit of my stomach. It was a beautiful Disney masterpiece set in Colombia with the themes of family, displacement, colonisation, intergenerational trauma, loss, belonging, ancestry, and Spirituality. All the things I've come to explore in my life but even more so during my sabbatical here. Many people have asked me how my Ancestral Research project is going. The truth is, it's been incredibly challenging, averaging about one mental breakdown per month. I've realised that I came with a naivety about how this whole project would play out, and if I had been realistic, I wouldn't have done it. I wanted to share some of what I've been exploring as I've crossed the halfway mark.
Shadow & Fear
I quickly learnt from the moment I landed that many people in my family didn't want me here and didn't want me doing this work. It was evident from the outset that there was resistance, "Why does she want to unearth things?" and "What does she think she'll find out?" travelling through the family grapevine back to me. I debated long and hard whether to explain what I was doing to my family, even considering writing them a letter. Still, I concluded that this work was so far from their understanding and would only create more problems for me. When the first family drama happened, and I had a meltdown in my therapy session, my therapist pointed out, "Alex, you're bringing your family's collective unconscious to the surface." There has been a huge amount of fear, fear of what I might be unearthed, fear of the retriggering of trauma, and fear of the unknown.
Religion & Spirituality
It's been challenging to bump into religion throughout this project, especially when it feels like a fight to defend my spiritual beliefs. Spirituality is a big no-no here, and the level of Catholicism embedded in the collective psyche of this country was, quite frankly, eye-opening. Being raised by a Catholic family, I was conscious that what I did was very much considered in the realms of "the devil's work" or "witchcraft". The funny part is Ancestral Reverence is probably one of the most indigenous practices ever, something our ancestors would have done. On the other end of the spectrum, I was surprised to find out that quite a few of my cousins that were raised Catholic were no longer catholic but now follow some form of Spirituality. What was surprising was that when I went to do my ayahuasca ceremony, the shamans were both incredibly spiritual and Catholic, that these two beliefs could coexist.
Land & Belonging
When I moved to Colombia, I needed to get back to my regular spiritual practices of Ecstatic Dance and Full Moon Ceremonies. However, when I went to look online to see if any events were happening, there was nothing. I found it really surprising. How can these rituals of dancing and honouring the cycles of the moon that were, in fact, indigenous practices no longer exist or be practised here? The more I began speaking to Colombians about this and researching the country's history, the more they made me realise that the conquistadors eradicated these practices. You were threatened with death for speaking the language or practising your traditions. That culture was ripped from them; as one of my cousins eloquently put it, there was a sort of "cultural amnesia". It began to make sense why there was this deep-rooted feeling from various family members who never really felt like they belonged anywhere, even more, so those who immigrated abroad.
Class & Status
I've always found it interesting how there is a broad spectrum in my family regarding class, status and wealth, a reflection of what happens across the country. I've always found it jarring the level of importance people in my family place on the wealthiest and the level of rejection those with not much endure. People get treated differently, and they balance the shame out by providing financial support. In conversations I've begun with family about bringing this part of our shadow into light, it's made for uncomfortable realisations. But by looking back at our parents and grandparents and their behaviours, we've noticed how inherited this practice was and is. We can choose to take responsibility for our own prejudices and to do things differently. We can choose to say that this stops with us and that we choose to treat and see everyone in our family equally without holding their life choices and circumstances against them.
Family & The (Colombian) Mother Archetype
Whilst I've felt increasingly connected to my Ancestors, I've felt more distanced than ever from my living family members. Documenting my family's dysfunctional patterns, behaviours and beliefs to heal and raise awareness for my generation has put me on the path to becoming Bruno from Encanto, the crazy one that gets ostracised. It's been such an emotional rollercoaster trying to balance living my mission and maintaining a relationship with the family. On the latter, I'm failing badly. It's also brought up my mother's wound and my mother's mother's wound in all its stinging glory. Doing this work is like reopening this wound, clearing the debris and pouring alcohol on it before it can heal. The symbolism of the mother here in Colombia is practically holy, and anything less is taboo. It has made me understand why my family have always been so adamant that I maintain a relationship with my mother no matter the cost, even my mental health.
I'm going to be discussing Healing the Latina Mother Wound on a LinkedIn Live with Ruby Garcia on the 18th of April, which you can join here.
Grace & Forgiveness
One of my cousins came over from Sweden after five years of living abroad, and when a bunch of us got together, we talked about how much we didn't and couldn't blame our parents. That there was an understanding that they lived at a time where mental health wasn't openly discussed, where social media where people shared their experiences didn't exist and that the internet hadn't been around where they could educate themselves about intergenerational trauma and get the support they needed. That there was, in fact, no one we could really blame because most of these behaviours and wounds came passed down from parent to parent. I honestly found the informal gatherings with my cousins to talk about our childhoods, trauma, and healing journeys some of the most profound healing I've experienced in eight years of being in this process. There was something about being seen, heard, and consoled by people that knew and understood what we each went through. Conversations never felt vindictive but, in fact, healthy.
The Future & Moving Forward
A goal that became apparent the more and more I thought and talked about what I was doing here was that in the not-so-distant future, I want to have a partner and have children. That knowing what I know now, through what I've experienced in my own childhood and what I've studied, it is my responsibility to heal and make sure that I am passing the least amount of trauma to my future kids and that I enter a relationship in the healthiest of ways. Of course, I'm super conscious that I can't work through everything, but committing this time in the present to let go of the past feels like a worthy cause for the future. I'm also looking to close the chapter of excavating into my past, which I've been doing for the past eight years. There has been so much healing and growth, but there comes the point that it's time to live and be.
This project took on a life of its own. I had a list of things I wanted to do, in the order that I wanted to do them: family interviews, ceremonial rituals, digitising and archiving photographs, mapping out a family tree…etc. As the days, weeks and months went by, the work unfolded in its own way. Things began unravelling between ordinary moments, conversations on long car journeys, coffees and lunches with cousins or telephone conversations with family members abroad. It wasn't linear and structured but spontaneous revelations from different roots of the family tree. I also didn't expect how much of this work would be done in the Ancestral Field and on the other side of the veil. I didn't expect that I would be in collaboration with my Ancestors, who are also eager to heal. Lastly, I didn't expect how many of my cousins were on their own conscious healing journey, trying to mend the ruptures of our family lines and that we were all really just trying to come home.
With love and magic,
I have a book recommendation for you. The Bonds that make us Free. It fits so much of what you are expressing. It is helping me drastically deal with old family wounds and other stuff.